Our Parents, Our Teachers
our parents play one of the most important roles in shaping who we become as adults. With their guidance and influence during childhood and teenage years, they have the power to either build us up or break us down.
While many parents do their best to nurture their children with love and support, others unwittingly pass down toxic behaviors and attitudes that can damage a child’s self-esteem and mental wellbeing. As children, it’s easy to think that toxic parenting is normal. But as we get older, we start to recognize when the way we were treated was unhealthy or abusive.
If you find yourself struggling with anxiety, depression, low self-worth or relationship issues as an adult, it may be helpful to reflect on your childhood and how your parents’ parenting style impacted you. Here are 12 signs that suggest you may have experienced toxic parenting growing up:
Constant criticism, but no praise. Toxic parents are often hypercritical, pointing out every little flaw and mistake. However, they rarely acknowledge when their child does something well or makes an accomplishment. This type of negative-only feedback can seriously undermine a child’s confidence.
Emotional manipulation. Toxic parents may threaten to withdraw love or threaten punishment to control their child’s behavior and get their way. They use guilt, shame or fear rather than rational discussion. This teaches kids that their worth depends on obeying their parents’ demands.
Favoritism or scapegoating. One child is placed on a pedestal while another is constantly blamed, even when both are equally responsible. Or one child bears the brunt of a parent’s anger and frustration while their siblings escape such treatment. This breeds resentment and family discord.
Rigid expectations and rules. Toxic parents have unrealistic standards of achievement or behavior that are impossible to meet. Their love and acceptance are conditional on a child never making mistakes or experiencing normal human emotions like anger, sadness or fear.
Enmeshment and lack of privacy. Toxic parents are overly involved in their children’s lives and don’t allow appropriate separation. They may violate privacy by excessively monitoring, restricting activities or intruding physically or emotionally. Independence is discouraged.
Emotional unavailability or neglect. Toxic parents are disengaged and unresponsive to their child’s emotional needs. They may ignore their children, be perpetually unavailable due to workaholism or substance abuse, or fail to provide adequate supervision, nurturing or safety.
Verbal abuse. Toxic parents constantly insult, degrade or humiliate their children through mean, disrespectful comments. They use aggressive language to bully or intimidate rather than having a calm discussion about problems. This type of verbal abuse leaves deep scars.
Gaslighting. Toxic parents deny their abusive behaviors or twist situations to make their children doubt their own memory or perception. They may claim the child is “too sensitive” or that they “didn’t mean it that way.” This undermines the child’s ability to trust their own judgment.
Control through guilt. Toxic parents make their children feel selfish or ungrateful for having normal needs, feelings or boundaries. They claim the child owes them obedience and loyalty regardless of their parents’ harmful behaviors. This prevents kids from standing up for themselves.
Victim mentality. Toxic parents view themselves as victims and blame their children or others for their own unhappiness or problems. They refuse to take responsibility for the effect of their actions and words on those around them.
Unpredictability. Toxic parents can switch between being loving one moment to angry, hostile or emotionally volatile the next without warning. Their children never know what will set them off or what kind of mood they’ll be in. This keeps kids constantly off balance.
Physical abuse. In the worst cases, toxic parents use actual violence as a means of control through spanking, hitting, shoving or other inappropriate physical contact beyond discipline. But any kind of abuse, whether verbal, emotional or physical, is unacceptable.
If you recognize several of these signs from your own childhood, it doesn’t necessarily mean your parents are “bad” people. Many toxic behaviors are learned from one generation to the next unless the cycle is broken. The good news is, with self-awareness and support, it’s possible to overcome the effects of a toxic upbringing. Therapy or support groups can help provide perspective and healing.
On the other hand, positive parenting involves treating children with empathy, respect, consistency and unconditional love to foster healthy self-esteem. It means listening without judgment, owning mistakes, setting an example through our own behaviors, and putting the child’s needs and wellbeing above our own ego or frustrations.
While we can’t change our past, we do have the power to rewrite our future story and pass down a legacy of healthy relationships to the next generation. With self-reflection and commitment to growth, those who experienced toxic parenting as children can become the role models they never had. Our parents may have taught us what not to do – now we can teach our own children, and ourselves, what it really means to nurture healthy development through patience, compassion and respect.